I’ve had a very clouded mind recently. I’m not quite sure why. I’ve been trying to write and my character interactions feel forced and false. I’ve even had a moment where I’ve asked myself “Do I even know how normal people interact?”
Needless to say, I’m not a normal person. Of course, “normal” is a relative term and we can argue the implications of “normal” for hours. But, I’m using it here as a term for what is deemed as the acceptable behaviour and the typical way in which humans interact with one another in a westernized, modern culture. I treat everyone with the same amount of respect until they prove otherwise via their behaviour, I talk to strangers as if I’ve known them a while, I say weird things, I rant to most anyone when I feel the need, I make odd noises such as quacks, clicks, or honks when I’m feeling silly or absent minded, the majority of my jokes are either immature, self-depricating, or puns, I like so many things and will get excited because of these things, I cannot abide rude or grammatically incorrect people, I cannot handle shorthand text messages, I put others happiness above my own, I would rather deal with physical pain than an argument I feel is pointless to have, and I will not call someone out on a job poorly done but will just go an fix it without a word.
Despite some of these lovely positives I have, there is a darkness in me, one that has been tagging at my consciousness the last week or so. It’s always been there as far as I can remember, but of late it’s been more apparent. This could be because this past week I’ve been house-sitting so I’ve been completely alone besides the company of a cat. I haven’t lived alone for several months now and I find that having to be considerate of others in every accept of living takes a toll on me, enough so that I forget to just have my contemplative moments. I use my spare time to decompress so that I can handle other human beings for another day.
But I’ve had a lot of time to think here. I’m not consciously trying to address the darkness, oh no. Like most people I hunker those little bits of unwanted personality down deep underneath the good things. I have been thinking about my life, my accomplishments, my tasks, my trials, my dreams and hope, etc. The little bits of darkness slowly ease into these thoughts like an ink drop in a glass of water. But, when I’m aware of it, I ignore it and move on to the next thought.
The problem is when I’m not aware or in control. I’ve been plagued with nightmare after nightmare with real monsters. Now, I love monster movies and silly vampire movies and so on. These things have never really frightened me, but in my nightmares these snivelling, snarling beast are heart-wrenchingly terrifying. I wake in a panic because I’m afraid that they’ve caught me, that they’ve taken me into their thick, dripping, claws and will never let me go. That no matter how many bags I pack and how many flights or trains I catch I can’t run away.
Now, I’m aware that my monsters are really my inner demons manifesting in my subconscious as something I fear.
You may be wondering, dear Reader, why I’m sharing these intimate things with you. Well, I think that some of you deal with your own monsters and your own darkness. I think that we all feel desperate and alone when our demons wreak havoc with our minds and hearts. I also think that we forget to let others know when we struggle. Dear Reader, I’m hear telling you that life is not all rainbows and unicorns for everyone but you. We’ve all got stuff. I thought maybe, just maybe some of you needed to hear that someone else has a monster too, that behind the veil of happy-go-lucky attitudes something lingers that isn’t as cheerful.
Our nightmares force us to find our strength. Keep reading dear Reader and keep those demons at bay.